Response to Kevin

"A Big Reminder" is a story about a son named Mitch, who is almost graduated from college, and whose father wants him to come help with the family business and help take care of his mother. The problem is, Mitch doesn't want to do this. He doesn't understand why his father would send him to school, only to ask him to not use his degree and work at a laundrymat. Through a near-death experience and the discovery of some old photos and letters, Mitch comes to sypathize with his father's plight, realizing how hard he has worked and agrees to come work at the laundrymat for a while.
The plot here is one that is very relatable, which is good, but it skirts the line of being too relatable and therefore common and uninteresting. This is an issue that a lot of college students have to deal with, the expectations of parents, and its hard to write about it in a way that is unique and interesting. I feel like in some spots, you succeed in making it interesting, but you're held back by reccuring grammatical errors (akward/nonsensical sentence structure, typos, etc). These are distracting and keep the reader from forgetting they're reading, which is really what you want. You need to go back and reread and try to make things flow a little better. Try to find those sentences that slow you down when reading and edit them. Here are some examples:
"The atmosphere it was stuffy "
"Starting him in the face was a large limb what looked like it was from a tree."
"Now for about ten years his with family had lived next to the same neighbors day after day"

Also, you might want to change the family business to a convenience store or something, I don't think drycleaners/laundrymats have been around that long.

I thought one of the strongest points in your story was when you were describing the wreckage the fallen tree had left behind in the bathroom. Give us more description of scene like this, it was very well done.

Response to Trey

Bloom is a story about a Chinese boy who grows up very poor as a potatoe farmer. He begins to grow stronger and takes over some more laborious farm duties before his parents pass away. Li is left with his parents savings, which he uses to move to the city. He eventually pursues a career in sumo wrestling and becomes very successful, returning to his village and finding solace.

I enjoyed the story, I thought it was pretty interesting, but the opening paragraph is chock full of stock writing and cliches. More interesting language to describe scenery and characters emotions would go a long way to make this intro better. Maybe open to him helping his dad in the fields, his father shouting orders as Li throws seed. I think that could make for a good opening. Also, the fact that the character is Asian comes as a shock after the initial opening scenes, we aren't told his name or his nationality until the second page.

I liked his rise to stardom, but a more thorough description of his growth as a sumo wrestler would be useful. The way you describe him later on is great, his girth and size and strength, but until he's described as being pretty round going through the metal detector, I just saw a really big strong guy, no gut. 

I think this story has potential, but more insight into the character's thoughts and less "stock" language would go a long way. 

Also, it's really hard to tell a story that spans years like this in a short story, and I thought you did a pretty good job of that.

Response to Rachel

"A Missing Canary" is about a guy named John who has been working the coalmines since he was 18. He's now much older and has a wife, and he attempts to mentor a new kid at the mines, who happens to be the son of one of his old war buddies. The kid dies on his first day at work, and John struggles with feeling of guilt.
Overall, the story was very well written. The descriptive language was interesting and unique, and I was interested in the outcome. I liked the way the story ended, but I wish that maybe he had decided on a different life, one that didn't involve coal mining.
The writing was very good, and very poetic. There are a few clunky metaphors, but for the most part, it was great. I didn't like the initial intro, with the cows "fucking like rabbits" because firstly, this is a hard image to envision, and secondly, it set an overly sexual tone for a story that had nothing to do with sex.
I think the mines should be explored more visually, as should the scene of Bill's death.
I liked the depiction of the relationship between husband and wife, and the eventual resort to some tough love. The pregnancy was likewise well depicted, as was John's return to the real world.
Overall a good story, very well written, but could do with some more characterization and maybe some more character growth? I feel like John ends up about where he was at the beginning of the story.

Response to Malena

Eden is a story about an old woman (Mrs. Moore) who has a fabulous garden sanctuary in her back yard. The rest of the story is mostly a flashback to her younger days when she and her husband had bought the house, and eventually about how they came to have the garden (by stealing clippings off of other's plants and cloning them).
The characterization of the characters is pretty good, especially the husband who is kind of a tight-ass and cheap, but still loves his wife dearly. We do need to see more, though. We don't really know much about Mrs. Moore besides the fact that she wants a garden and her husband is cheap.
The descriptions of scenes were often good, but sometimes got a little bit wordy and clunky, and sometimes the words didn't really fit what was going on. For example: the scene where she is scrubbing a pot describes the bubbles as escaping their metallic confinement, or something along those lines. This is a very cool way to describe it, but it doesn't work in the setting of a cozy old home with a wistful wife. This kind of description would be more at home in a sci-fi or something more technical. The first paragraph had similar issues with clunky-ness. There were just too many adjectives. It paints a pretty picture, but it takes too much effort to read. Sometimes we must leave parts of the image up to the readers imagination.
Could be a good story with a little bit of work on flow and characterization.

Response to Lydia

This is a story about a girl who visits her best friend Rose at college in Albany. She hasn't seen her in two years, but they are still great friends. Rose introduces her to her new man Jared and she doesn't like him. Rose becomes pregnant and Jared leaves her, resulting in Rose's suicide.
I like that this story is told in a confessional manner, similar to the Lahiri story we read. Often form can constrict the way a story is told, but I don't feel like this form does, its very open and useful. The descriptions of scenery are very strong, especially at the beginning, where she finds everything beautiful, and towards the middle of the story when she describes the snowy landscape at the "end of the world."
I do wish that this descriptive voice carried over into some of the other aspects of the story, however. Description of the characters needs to be broadened. I have a good idea of what Jared looks like, but a very unclear image of Rose and especially the speaker. You have some great and interesting descriptors of scenery, so I'm sure you could do a good job with characterization.
I liked the general arc of the story, but I wish the last third had been a little more fleshed out. We learn that Rose becomes pregnant, and we learn the speaker regrets her distancing, but there isn't much of a change.
Well written, could become very good with a little more work on plot.

Response to Alia Martin

Out for A Drive is a story about a woman who recieves a phone call from a sheriffs office because her dad has been found wandering down the road in another town, and needs someone to come pick him up. He seems to be suffering from dementia or Alzheimer's.
I thought that this story was executed pretty well as far as the back and forth dialogue went, even throwing in an extra character (1-900 only had two) didn't make the progression of dialogue confusing at all, which is quite an accomplishment. I also liked the characterization of the dad, he keeps saying he's fine, etc. but it's obvious the cop is holding him like a child, feeding him pizza and letting him watch movies until his "parents" show up.  The sheriff also had some decent characterization, a nice guy who is willing to help without judgement and is willing to put aside his daily duties to do so. But the main character, the daughter needs some more work as far as characterization goes. Also, we don't know where she is, so I can't place her anywhere. In 1-900, it was easy (and surely intentional) that the characters were in pretty stock locations, the guy in a hotel room, and the girl laying in her bed at home or alternatively in a call center. These are places we can easily visualize, because they're all the same, and this style of writing lends itself to stock locations because its hard to get setting across in pure dialogue. The characters also need a little more change. The main character kind of realizes she has been a little negligent of her old dad, but I think she has had that deep seated feeling for a while. I was impressed at the clarity of the dialogue and the lack of confusion about who was speaking, but the characters could use some more development.

Response to Chad Oliver

"Dead Mandolin" is a story about a guy named Andrew, a highschool teacher who we are initially led to believe is a mandolin player and coffeeshop goer, who really just goes there to grades his papers. When he is confronted by the angelic Audrey, he lies his way into a corner, but he likes her so much he decides to learn to play mandolin enough to play three songs at an open mic night. When asked for more, he is stumped.
I liked how the story started, it was a little misleading, and we go back to find out how he has come to walking down the street in a rolled up plaid shirt with a beat up mandolin.
This is kind of the standard "play it cool" story but with a twist. The guy likes this girl enough that he has taken a week off of work and bought a mandolin, learned to play it well enough to play three songs and even dresses the part. But there is a conundrum. When she finds him out, and I assume she will, there is one of two options. She will either find it incredibly flattering and sweet or weird and stalkerish. I feel like this story has the ability to confront the issue of love in modern society. Grand acts of love are considered weird nowadays. There used to be a time when people could say they love someone, even if said someone wasn't interested, and they could try and try. But in this story, in modern times, it will be interesting to see how it plays out. Will he confess that he only learned three songs to impress Audrey? Will she think he's weird?
Of course this isn't the only direction this could go. Maybe he could improvise a song.
There were a couple of awkward sentences, and some of the language could be more creative (a few cliches in there) but overall I liked it.

Response to Offutt

Performing Surgery Without Anesthesia is a good title for this essay, because his intention is to show that revisions kind of hurt. It hurts to break off pieces and discard things that you pour yourself into (the first draft).

I actually catch myself doing the same thing he mentions, where you write something and just think it's the greatest thing in the world. I'll write something and then get my room mate or girlfriend to read it because I think its so great, but after a day or two or even just a few hours I come to realize that what I've written is some seriously trite drivel and it needs a total rework. 

All it takes is that level of separation he talks about. You should be able to stop looking at something and come back to it at a later time with new eyes. I'm not necessarily going to adhere to the writers methods he describes about keeping a computer draft and tons of paper drafts, but I understand what he means. Maybe I'll start doing something similar. 

I like how he sets up all these rules and guidelines for the way he writes, but then at the end he just kind of says, "Don't let anybody tell you how to write, just write." Which is good motivation. No one likes being told what to do, but people certainly will at least listen to humble advice, and this seems humble enough.