I feel like this poem could be really good, but it lacks the feeling of a poem. It feels like a bunch of normal prose that has been placed in to a poem. There is a real lack of poetic language. The only places in the poem where I could find some interesting word choices was the crashing of applause through the silence, the subsequent crashing of reality, and the erasure of character, and I really liked these lines, I just wish there were more of it. Because of this, the "I remember, I remember" seems a little forced and out of place, although I do like how it splits the poem.
I really like the description of the friend on stage, it's easy to imagine the spotlight and the crowd and the happy actor, but again I just wish for a more unique description and a more vivid imagery. Also, maybe instead of I remember what it felt like, put "I remember what you looked like" or something similar. At first it seems like the speaker is the main actor and the main character. Maybe you were on stage at the same time, but it could potentially be a little confusing, and it takes away from the overall message. I would say that this poem has great potential, and with a little bit of careful wording and interesting description, could be very very good.
No comments:
Post a Comment