I feel like this paper could be good with just a bit of revision. First of all, any short story needs a title, and this one certainly does. It's okay to get thrown into a story, but the title can help set a tone or mindset for what's coming. Also, the introduction seems to be a slight alteration of a beginning technique that was expressedly forbidden: the "alarm clock" opening, although I like the philosophical rant... I feel like I tend to start my papers in this way too. It helps set the tone for the rest of the story.
I also liked the slow introduction of elements. We only come to know things as it becomes necessary. I can't tell whether this is intentional, or if it is a happy accident of the writing process. There were a couple of issues with this though. The characters of Alex and Darmondy should have been introduced more subtly. It's a little jarring to read someones name like we should already know who they are, and especially jarring to not read who they are until a paragraph later. (EDIT: The character of Alex is introduced fine, I may have been skimming my first read and didn't notice the mention of him until breakfast. Darmondy is still an issue.)
I think you may struggle with something I struggle with, and that is overly cynical characters with a lack of redeeming qualities and a penchant for bitching about stuff. Without a little bit of humor, or legitimate reasons for bitching, it can become dull to read.
Another thing that I similarly struggle with is a lack of plot. The first seven pages could have been condensed to two or three. He doesn't get to work and into the world until then, and I feel like that should come earlier. The plot only begins to build as he is called into the office, and then fizzles out as the story ends.
Very good dialogue, I thought. I could feel the captain pacing behind his desk and feel his stinky breath squeezing out from between his clenched teeth. The dialogue and surrounding imagery was probably the strongest point.
EDIT: I really liked Prof Spell's suggestion of making Ethyl the boss. It would buck the stereotypes that are in the story and make his relationship with work much more interesting. Can't wait to read more, especially since you'll have a little more space to stretch your legs.
I also liked the slow introduction of elements. We only come to know things as it becomes necessary. I can't tell whether this is intentional, or if it is a happy accident of the writing process. There were a couple of issues with this though. The characters of Alex and Darmondy should have been introduced more subtly. It's a little jarring to read someones name like we should already know who they are, and especially jarring to not read who they are until a paragraph later. (EDIT: The character of Alex is introduced fine, I may have been skimming my first read and didn't notice the mention of him until breakfast. Darmondy is still an issue.)
I think you may struggle with something I struggle with, and that is overly cynical characters with a lack of redeeming qualities and a penchant for bitching about stuff. Without a little bit of humor, or legitimate reasons for bitching, it can become dull to read.
Another thing that I similarly struggle with is a lack of plot. The first seven pages could have been condensed to two or three. He doesn't get to work and into the world until then, and I feel like that should come earlier. The plot only begins to build as he is called into the office, and then fizzles out as the story ends.
Very good dialogue, I thought. I could feel the captain pacing behind his desk and feel his stinky breath squeezing out from between his clenched teeth. The dialogue and surrounding imagery was probably the strongest point.
EDIT: I really liked Prof Spell's suggestion of making Ethyl the boss. It would buck the stereotypes that are in the story and make his relationship with work much more interesting. Can't wait to read more, especially since you'll have a little more space to stretch your legs.
You can post the Wideman response for Tuesday. I see now that the updated schedule didn't replace the other file properly on Canvas when I uploaded it. It should work now.
ReplyDelete