Response to Josh Moore

Manhood is a story about a guy named Alex who, as we are introduced to him, is about to undergo surgery. We are not informed until later that it was to remove cancerous tumors. Alex has some weird issue with the nurses all being female. Alex's girlfriend ends up turning cold to him and leaving because of his struggle with cancer. He beats the cancer, but loses his potential wife.
I liked parts of this story. I especially liked the descriptions of the hospital, the atmosphere he feels where everyone is glancing at him as he goes by, and the alternating green tiles that make the hall seem longer than it should. I wish there was more of this, it grants us a good view of Alex's mentality as he is being carted to surgery, and it would serve well to show us how he is feeling at other times during the story.
I was convinced by the title for a while that his cancer was testicular and he was going to have his testes removed. That would also more thoroughly explain his girlfriends bitchiness. Just a thought.
I think the transitions with both of the stories for today were done very well. The changes in scene weren't too abrupt, and were well timed I thought.
One thing I do wish was that the drama between Alex and his girlfriend had been explored a little more. All you see is them happy and then them in a bad place, without a real explanation. Perhaps a little more. One way I feel you could help with that issue is to make this story a first person one from Alex's perspective. He could then explain how things have been with his wife without having to backtrack and show what has happened.
Another thing I liked about both of these stories today was their interesting endings. He beats cancer but loses the girl. She decides to go to rehab, but her room mate tried to kill her. Good stuff

Response to Rachel Davis

Icarus was story about a college student named Clara. Overworked and stressed, she has turned to alcohol. We find her in the ICU, hip shattered, kidney removed. She has "fallen" off of her balcony after a night of heavy drinking. Her family attempts to have a little intervention in the hospital.
I found this story pleasant to read. The way we are introduced to Clara's situation is done very well, kind of the fuzzy wake up scene that we are all used to seeing in movies. I like how Clara doesn't really know what is going on. The way in which the story has little chapters has been executed so well. There aren't breaks to indicate a change of scene, but the change of voice and the immediate descriptions of an alternate set do this for us. It works very well in this story. Where this could be one long story separated by the incident, it brings the incident of her fall to the focal point and really keeps the reader interested. I wanted to know what would happen when I got to the next apartment scene and when I got to the fall itself.
I liked a lot of the characterization of Clara, the too-short denim shorts and her cellulite, her choice to drink wine, her prescription for prozac and her known capacity to stretch herself too thin.
My only complaint about this story would have to be the dialogue. Some of it is good, especially the stuff at the beginning, but the apartment scenes are a little trite, and the intervention is a little hard to read.
Also, I wish the room mate had been a little more disgruntled, maybe Clara could treat her even shittier or something.
Overall a good story. I would work on developing characters a little more, and touch up some dialogue. Again, the execution of hopping between story and back story was very well done.

Taurus

The piece is called Taurus. It is a ceramic design by Arthur Machin which he formed in 1945. The prestigious company Wedgewood began production of the piece in 1950. There are several variations.
I actually didn't go to the art museum in Auburn, but I did go to the one in Birmingham. That's where I took this picture.

       The bull lowered its formidable head and steamed towards me with ungodly inertia. In this moment time had slowed, and I could pick out each individual ripple of muscle as the beast accordion-lunged towards me with great strides. I could see that just beyond the horns there were thick ridges of skin and muscle that I imagined to be an immense spring, and as soon as those horns made contact, all of that potential energy coiled up in the beast’s neck was going to flip me like a spring loaded spatula. But still, there was something beautiful about this terrifying scene. Until this very moment I had never considered the beauty inherent to the motions of a creature this large. Every motion coordinated by the expansion and contraction of various lumps of meat of various sizes pulling on a gigantic skeleton of condensed minerals. Once, I read that if all the muscles in the human body could pull at once, in one direction, it could exert a force of 25 tons. I couldn’t help but imagine that a bull could probably exert a hundred times that energy, and all of that energy was aimed at me.

       Time was beginning to catch up with me, and my options were becoming fewer by the millisecond. As the bull lowered its head for one last giant lunge, I decided I would spring towards him at a diagonal. This would both shorten the time he would have to react by narrowing the distance between us and also grant me an avenue of escape. A large bull, no matter how graceful in motion, cannot turn on a dime. I lunged forward and to the left, and the bull, glancing my maneuver out of his bulging eyes, countered, flicking his head to the right as he drove past me. His right horn caught my unbuttoned oxford and tore the double stitching like tissue paper, throwing me into a spin and onto the ground. I really would have appreciated some help right now. Just a simple distraction would suffice, but the man who had orchestrated my being in this pen was staring on in silence.

       I scrambled to my feet as quickly as legs allow, and removed my torn button-up. A happy accident, a moment of genius, call it what you will. I now had a cape. The bull rounded off its charge and turned to face me again, its head nodding an angry rhythm. It was obvious that my trickery had enraged him. Opponents were supposed to meet his charge, not skirt them. He understood my common sense as cowardice. He charged with doubled fury, bucking as he came. Time didn’t slow down this time, and as he neared, I stepped aside and let his horns fill the sleeves and rip the shirt from my hands. The great bull gave one last buck and then immediately calmed. He had been effectively blindfolded, the shirt draping down over his eyes and onto his muzzle. He stood still as he let this new dark reality sink in.

       “That was quite a performance, boy,” the man said. He spryly hopped into the pen, and walked towards the bull.

       “I won didn’t I? Give it to me.”

       “Boy, I ain’t never seen anything quite like that. You’ve got it.” He placed his hand on the bull’s muzzle. It snorted and its tail flicked nervously.

       “I want you to say it.”

       “Allright now, boy. You can marry my daughter.”

       “And don’t you ever call me ‘boy’ again.”

Response to Kevin

Unfriendly Noise is a story about a guy named Brandon who is down on his luck and jobless in a city he hates. His apartment is surrounded by a terrible noise that reverberates in his head. Other city-dwellers likewise are shrill and annoying. Brandon is on the hunt for a job after his landlord threatens to evict him.
I feel like the story could have been more aptly opened with a description of Brandon's apartment or something. the immediate jump into his complaining about the over-hyped city life is something I've heard and read and written before. It didn't grab my attention, and I think this is because the first thing you hear in the story is an incredibly annoying noise, and that sets the tone for the rest of the story. He goes on to interact with shrill, screetchy people in the city, and it gets frustrating.
I liked the description of the bad area of town he ends up in, but I could use some more particulars.
The same goes for John's description. He could be a much more interesting character if you used more imagery to describe him and maybe described his dimensions instead of just calling him a giant.

There were an inordinant amount of filler words. Words like "actually" and "kind of" and "really" used as describers don't contribute anything besides a sense of hesitancy and lead to a voice that doesn't seem confident. I found eight instances of this on page 8, for example. Either better words need to be used, or these can be ommited.

I liked the arc of the story, and I like how Brandon found solace in the end, but its hard to tell what it means. I wish he had managed to stay with John. Maybe John could find solace in Brandon instead of the Tomagachi, and thats how the noise problem can be solved, by John not needing it anymore.

There were also a few things that didn't make much sense. John's Tomagachi is making noise outside Brandon's apartment at the beginning of the story, and then it's miles away just minutes later. Brandon goes to get a job to pay rent he has due that very day (not gonna work). The landlady serves his eviction notice, but still gives him a chance to pay rent (that chance is long gone).

I enjoyed reading this once he got into the bad part of town. Maybe condense the first couple pages and start with a taxi getting a flat tire in this area of town? Your voice gets better at this point in the story.

Response to Otto

This is a story of lost innocence. The speaker is a twelve year-old kid who remains nameless throughout the tale. There is tension with his mom and curfew, because she wants him home on time, and the story takes place as they're traveling to the swimming hole at sunset. There's also the issue with Daryl. I like how Daryl is introduced via the Blue Hole, with a flashback to how horrible he is in school, but the flashback and subsequent return to the main plot were a little disorienting, there little continuity or smooth transitioning between them. If we were oriented a little better between scenes, this method of Daryls introduction could be perfect.

I thought there were a lot of funny bits. Talking about Cody riding his bike around the living room, the descriptions of how scared kids are of Daryl, etc. I also liked Cody as the gentle giant, "Boo Radley" type character.
For the most part, the dialogue was very good, and the "... and shit" was funny, and a useful tag line. It could have been introduced a little more gracefully. It's first introduction was quite akward. Maybe explain his cursing problem immediately after the first one instead of waiting to addreess it in dialogue.
I liked the description of scene, I just wish there was more of it. You're description of the Blue Hole was great.
There was an overuse of -- and ... but I think that was probably influenced by the 1-900 story? Regardless, some of these need to be cut out.

The only real problem I had with this story was with transitions, and climactic situations. Your different settings need to be weaved together a little more, each change in setting is a little jarring. And your situations build to a head and then fizzle a bit. I wanted more description about the speaker's fight, and more description of his run home and the aftermath, and more description about the unveiling of Cody's legs. Also an explication of who did it to him, etc.
Otherwise, I really liked the voice, and I liked the overall arc of the story.

Response to Who Invented the Jump Shot

Who Invented the Jumpshot was certainly interesting. I've read stories similar to this in structure and have always liked the technique. It is a structure that lends itself to natural processes of memory, and you can often see that too in the way the voice sometimes is blasting through a series of ideas or words like you would in your own mind. I also really liked how the speaker seemed like an omniscient narrator, but really was not. We are only in the mind of the academic who is introduced at the beginning, but through his knowledge, through his great storytelling, and his ability to put himself in other character's shoes, we are given a very unique perspective and a very unique voice. 

I felt that the structure was very well formed, and the transitions were easily followed and yet still interesting. I liked how at one point, the story shifted focal points, but when we came back to where we were, "Rastus still stands where we left him, hoodooed by the Harlem Globies' flyer." I think it was a really useful technique because in a story that bounces around like this, it helps to make each segment a unique space, and this image of coming back to Rastus in the same place and time to see him doing the same thing gives a feeling of teleporting into these different times and places, and helps with some spatial awareness in the story.

There's some triumph in the story, I feel, becaue although the white academics have won the debate about the jump shot, it is really simple-minded Rastus who has invented something of worth: CPR.

Response to Chase Bridges

I feel like this paper could be good with just a bit of revision. First of all, any short story needs a title, and this one certainly does. It's okay to get thrown into a story, but the title can help set a tone or mindset for what's coming. Also, the introduction seems to be a slight alteration of a beginning technique that was expressedly forbidden: the "alarm clock" opening, although I like the philosophical rant... I feel like I tend to start my papers in this way too. It helps set the tone for the rest of the story.
I also liked the slow introduction of elements. We only come to know things as it becomes necessary. I can't tell whether this is intentional, or if it is a happy accident of the writing process. There were a couple of issues with this though. The characters of Alex and Darmondy should have been introduced more subtly. It's a little jarring to read someones name like we should already know who they are, and especially jarring to not read who they are until a paragraph later. (EDIT: The character of Alex is introduced fine, I may have been skimming my first read and didn't notice the mention of him until breakfast. Darmondy is still an issue.)

I think you may struggle with something I struggle with, and that is overly cynical characters with a lack of redeeming qualities and a penchant for bitching about stuff. Without a little bit of humor, or legitimate reasons for bitching, it can become dull to read.
Another thing that I similarly struggle with is a lack of plot. The first seven pages could have been condensed to two or three. He doesn't get to work and into the world until then, and I feel like that should come earlier. The plot only begins to build as he is called into the office, and then fizzles out as the story ends.

Very good dialogue, I thought. I could feel the captain pacing behind his desk and feel his stinky breath squeezing out from between his clenched teeth. The dialogue and surrounding imagery was probably the strongest point.

EDIT: I really liked Prof Spell's suggestion of making Ethyl the boss. It would buck the stereotypes that are in the story and make his relationship with work much more interesting. Can't wait to read more, especially since you'll have a little more space to stretch your legs.