Response to Kevin

"A Big Reminder" is a story about a son named Mitch, who is almost graduated from college, and whose father wants him to come help with the family business and help take care of his mother. The problem is, Mitch doesn't want to do this. He doesn't understand why his father would send him to school, only to ask him to not use his degree and work at a laundrymat. Through a near-death experience and the discovery of some old photos and letters, Mitch comes to sypathize with his father's plight, realizing how hard he has worked and agrees to come work at the laundrymat for a while.
The plot here is one that is very relatable, which is good, but it skirts the line of being too relatable and therefore common and uninteresting. This is an issue that a lot of college students have to deal with, the expectations of parents, and its hard to write about it in a way that is unique and interesting. I feel like in some spots, you succeed in making it interesting, but you're held back by reccuring grammatical errors (akward/nonsensical sentence structure, typos, etc). These are distracting and keep the reader from forgetting they're reading, which is really what you want. You need to go back and reread and try to make things flow a little better. Try to find those sentences that slow you down when reading and edit them. Here are some examples:
"The atmosphere it was stuffy "
"Starting him in the face was a large limb what looked like it was from a tree."
"Now for about ten years his with family had lived next to the same neighbors day after day"

Also, you might want to change the family business to a convenience store or something, I don't think drycleaners/laundrymats have been around that long.

I thought one of the strongest points in your story was when you were describing the wreckage the fallen tree had left behind in the bathroom. Give us more description of scene like this, it was very well done.

Response to Trey

Bloom is a story about a Chinese boy who grows up very poor as a potatoe farmer. He begins to grow stronger and takes over some more laborious farm duties before his parents pass away. Li is left with his parents savings, which he uses to move to the city. He eventually pursues a career in sumo wrestling and becomes very successful, returning to his village and finding solace.

I enjoyed the story, I thought it was pretty interesting, but the opening paragraph is chock full of stock writing and cliches. More interesting language to describe scenery and characters emotions would go a long way to make this intro better. Maybe open to him helping his dad in the fields, his father shouting orders as Li throws seed. I think that could make for a good opening. Also, the fact that the character is Asian comes as a shock after the initial opening scenes, we aren't told his name or his nationality until the second page.

I liked his rise to stardom, but a more thorough description of his growth as a sumo wrestler would be useful. The way you describe him later on is great, his girth and size and strength, but until he's described as being pretty round going through the metal detector, I just saw a really big strong guy, no gut. 

I think this story has potential, but more insight into the character's thoughts and less "stock" language would go a long way. 

Also, it's really hard to tell a story that spans years like this in a short story, and I thought you did a pretty good job of that.

Response to Rachel

"A Missing Canary" is about a guy named John who has been working the coalmines since he was 18. He's now much older and has a wife, and he attempts to mentor a new kid at the mines, who happens to be the son of one of his old war buddies. The kid dies on his first day at work, and John struggles with feeling of guilt.
Overall, the story was very well written. The descriptive language was interesting and unique, and I was interested in the outcome. I liked the way the story ended, but I wish that maybe he had decided on a different life, one that didn't involve coal mining.
The writing was very good, and very poetic. There are a few clunky metaphors, but for the most part, it was great. I didn't like the initial intro, with the cows "fucking like rabbits" because firstly, this is a hard image to envision, and secondly, it set an overly sexual tone for a story that had nothing to do with sex.
I think the mines should be explored more visually, as should the scene of Bill's death.
I liked the depiction of the relationship between husband and wife, and the eventual resort to some tough love. The pregnancy was likewise well depicted, as was John's return to the real world.
Overall a good story, very well written, but could do with some more characterization and maybe some more character growth? I feel like John ends up about where he was at the beginning of the story.

Response to Malena

Eden is a story about an old woman (Mrs. Moore) who has a fabulous garden sanctuary in her back yard. The rest of the story is mostly a flashback to her younger days when she and her husband had bought the house, and eventually about how they came to have the garden (by stealing clippings off of other's plants and cloning them).
The characterization of the characters is pretty good, especially the husband who is kind of a tight-ass and cheap, but still loves his wife dearly. We do need to see more, though. We don't really know much about Mrs. Moore besides the fact that she wants a garden and her husband is cheap.
The descriptions of scenes were often good, but sometimes got a little bit wordy and clunky, and sometimes the words didn't really fit what was going on. For example: the scene where she is scrubbing a pot describes the bubbles as escaping their metallic confinement, or something along those lines. This is a very cool way to describe it, but it doesn't work in the setting of a cozy old home with a wistful wife. This kind of description would be more at home in a sci-fi or something more technical. The first paragraph had similar issues with clunky-ness. There were just too many adjectives. It paints a pretty picture, but it takes too much effort to read. Sometimes we must leave parts of the image up to the readers imagination.
Could be a good story with a little bit of work on flow and characterization.

Response to Lydia

This is a story about a girl who visits her best friend Rose at college in Albany. She hasn't seen her in two years, but they are still great friends. Rose introduces her to her new man Jared and she doesn't like him. Rose becomes pregnant and Jared leaves her, resulting in Rose's suicide.
I like that this story is told in a confessional manner, similar to the Lahiri story we read. Often form can constrict the way a story is told, but I don't feel like this form does, its very open and useful. The descriptions of scenery are very strong, especially at the beginning, where she finds everything beautiful, and towards the middle of the story when she describes the snowy landscape at the "end of the world."
I do wish that this descriptive voice carried over into some of the other aspects of the story, however. Description of the characters needs to be broadened. I have a good idea of what Jared looks like, but a very unclear image of Rose and especially the speaker. You have some great and interesting descriptors of scenery, so I'm sure you could do a good job with characterization.
I liked the general arc of the story, but I wish the last third had been a little more fleshed out. We learn that Rose becomes pregnant, and we learn the speaker regrets her distancing, but there isn't much of a change.
Well written, could become very good with a little more work on plot.

Response to Alia Martin

Out for A Drive is a story about a woman who recieves a phone call from a sheriffs office because her dad has been found wandering down the road in another town, and needs someone to come pick him up. He seems to be suffering from dementia or Alzheimer's.
I thought that this story was executed pretty well as far as the back and forth dialogue went, even throwing in an extra character (1-900 only had two) didn't make the progression of dialogue confusing at all, which is quite an accomplishment. I also liked the characterization of the dad, he keeps saying he's fine, etc. but it's obvious the cop is holding him like a child, feeding him pizza and letting him watch movies until his "parents" show up.  The sheriff also had some decent characterization, a nice guy who is willing to help without judgement and is willing to put aside his daily duties to do so. But the main character, the daughter needs some more work as far as characterization goes. Also, we don't know where she is, so I can't place her anywhere. In 1-900, it was easy (and surely intentional) that the characters were in pretty stock locations, the guy in a hotel room, and the girl laying in her bed at home or alternatively in a call center. These are places we can easily visualize, because they're all the same, and this style of writing lends itself to stock locations because its hard to get setting across in pure dialogue. The characters also need a little more change. The main character kind of realizes she has been a little negligent of her old dad, but I think she has had that deep seated feeling for a while. I was impressed at the clarity of the dialogue and the lack of confusion about who was speaking, but the characters could use some more development.

Response to Chad Oliver

"Dead Mandolin" is a story about a guy named Andrew, a highschool teacher who we are initially led to believe is a mandolin player and coffeeshop goer, who really just goes there to grades his papers. When he is confronted by the angelic Audrey, he lies his way into a corner, but he likes her so much he decides to learn to play mandolin enough to play three songs at an open mic night. When asked for more, he is stumped.
I liked how the story started, it was a little misleading, and we go back to find out how he has come to walking down the street in a rolled up plaid shirt with a beat up mandolin.
This is kind of the standard "play it cool" story but with a twist. The guy likes this girl enough that he has taken a week off of work and bought a mandolin, learned to play it well enough to play three songs and even dresses the part. But there is a conundrum. When she finds him out, and I assume she will, there is one of two options. She will either find it incredibly flattering and sweet or weird and stalkerish. I feel like this story has the ability to confront the issue of love in modern society. Grand acts of love are considered weird nowadays. There used to be a time when people could say they love someone, even if said someone wasn't interested, and they could try and try. But in this story, in modern times, it will be interesting to see how it plays out. Will he confess that he only learned three songs to impress Audrey? Will she think he's weird?
Of course this isn't the only direction this could go. Maybe he could improvise a song.
There were a couple of awkward sentences, and some of the language could be more creative (a few cliches in there) but overall I liked it.

Response to Offutt

Performing Surgery Without Anesthesia is a good title for this essay, because his intention is to show that revisions kind of hurt. It hurts to break off pieces and discard things that you pour yourself into (the first draft).

I actually catch myself doing the same thing he mentions, where you write something and just think it's the greatest thing in the world. I'll write something and then get my room mate or girlfriend to read it because I think its so great, but after a day or two or even just a few hours I come to realize that what I've written is some seriously trite drivel and it needs a total rework. 

All it takes is that level of separation he talks about. You should be able to stop looking at something and come back to it at a later time with new eyes. I'm not necessarily going to adhere to the writers methods he describes about keeping a computer draft and tons of paper drafts, but I understand what he means. Maybe I'll start doing something similar. 

I like how he sets up all these rules and guidelines for the way he writes, but then at the end he just kind of says, "Don't let anybody tell you how to write, just write." Which is good motivation. No one likes being told what to do, but people certainly will at least listen to humble advice, and this seems humble enough.

Response to Place and Ranch Girl

The main idea I got from Place is that storytelling can exist without place (however bland) but place can't exist without story telling. When a writer puts a reader into a scene, and the minutia are described, one can't help but ascribe meaning to it, which leads to a sense that the place is telling the story, and this is what we see with Ranch Girl. The protagonist is relatively inactive, but this place, this uncommon place to us, drives the story with it's characters and its inevitability. Even thought he place is uncommon to many of us, it is made real through the lens of this girl, and the reality of it. We are even placed economically, so our minds eye knows how to fill in the gaps. We see everything she sees through her lens. The personal details are what makes it real. The animals around, the work, the girl up the road who has it better, the virginity. Place mentions sexuality as important, and I feel like this story shows that pretty well. I feel Place may have been a little too sexual though... the writer actually admits to getting sexual gratification from knowing peoples secrets, which lends a whole new creepiness to sneaking into dorm rooms to "figure people out". 

Response to Schappell & Lahiri

I've never seen such a comprehensive guide to help with the writing of endings. We talk about our endings all the time, usually with expressions of grief and annoyance at our inability to end a story satisfactorily, but it's hard to actually categorize what we're doing wrong, making it difficult to troubleshoot. Endings does just that, it is an effective troubleshooting guide for endings. I like that it is a guide for stories that are already finished, but have unsatisfactory endings. It makes categorization and troubleshooting an ending actually a practical endeavor. I find myself regularly writing endings that are either "epiphany" type endings or "Doogie Howser" endings, and I often realize I need to drop the final couple paragraphs.
The Lahiri story is an exceptional example of a story ending itself. The writing is interesting and meandering, and written like a confession. The subtle hints and clues as to the ending are never obvious, and its like the ending ends up writing itself.

Response to "Escort" and "Emergency" and "No Tears for Me, Thanks"

I really like the two stories, especially "Emergency". Emergency had great setting and good imagery, and "Escort" had interesting discriptions and a strange plot. Both of these stories are told from the perspective of people who are kind of directionless. They are also very flat emotionally. Not to say that they are boring characters or anything, its just thatv they don't project their emotions onto the situations and onto the page, that is something that the writers have left for the readers to do themselves. I find this simultaneously refreshing and a little frustrating. Its refreshing because not having emotion and morals and a lesson shoved down your throat is kind of nice, it allows the reader to surmise for themselves what the story means. But it is also frustrating because you want to see the human in the characters and its more difficult to find when you're not explicitly told how they're feeling. In Chuck's story its a little more obvious because of his actions that he is sensitive to the plights of these people he is helping but in "Emergency" the only way to decipher the speakers mentality is by interpreting why he is including certain details, and what the inclusion of those details mean.
I personally like this technique of having a character who is pretty flat emotionally, becuase it leaves room for interpretation and for a story without the burden of a speakers emotion.

Response to Malena

Snake Eyes is about a girl named Emily, at the beginnning she's a pudgy nine year old, at the end a 27 year old young professional. Emily typically has uncommonly good luck, but bad luck when it comes to snakes. This is the common thread, bad luck with snakes.
There was a lot I liked about this story. Ocassionally a descriptor or sentence would make me chuckle, and many of the descriptions of scenery are done pretty well. Danielle with her belly draped over the center console, digging through the glove box, "armed" with a nailfile against boredom. These were the kinds of things I liked, however I wish there had been a bit more. The dialogue was good, but I feel like their relatiuonship should have been explained or shown a little earlier.
Sometimes, sentence structure repeated too much in sequence. The first four sentences of the story start with "I" and three of them start with "I was."

My main suggestion for this story has to do with perpective. The descriptions are often very good, and the scenery is laid out well, and although the story is from Emily's perspective, we never really get her thought about what is happening. There are no glimpses into her mind, but rather explications of what she was feeling. It's hard to explain, but there was a distance between the reader and Emily's perspective. Give us more observation from her perspective, use her wit, let her silently comment on things through observation.

The last setting was kind of confusing about when it was occuring, where, etc. The change was abrupt and jarring, especially with no page break and the introduction of new characters. expand this part a bit.

Response to Crystal

Twitch is a story about Joel and Kris, two best friends whose relationship is strained when an old flame, Katie, is introduced. Kris then admits that she has only been friends with Joel to get closer to Katie.
Again, this story lacks a real plot. There is nothing going on here besides an awkward love triangle. Also, the main character is racist, manipulative, heartless (who wants to leave a dog outside in a thunderstorm), and has no obvious redeeming qualities. Also, she kept making digs at Joel, which made me wonder why she liked him, but the reasons for that all became apparent at the end. I still didn't understand why he kept her around, though.
I feel like this story could have worked if there hadn't been some big reveal at the end, but maybe a slow realization on Kris' part that she wanted Katie, or maybe if we knew her intentions all along. This could have been revealed at the bonfire, maybe Kris kind of falls for Katie here and her feelings towards Joel are changed. As it stands, the story is confusing, because it seems like all the characters are directionless, doing what they are doing for non-existent or confusing reasons.
I reallllly didn't understand all the weird "white person" stereotypes and the drawing of racial lines. They were unnecessary and didn't lend anything to the story, and also didn't make much sense. "She was black after all and knew what to do in this scary movie like situation." The inclusion of this information doesn't mean or do anything.  It's really "white" to bring your dog inside during a lightning storm? If you insists on keeping this racial aspect of the story, it wouyld help to make it more relevant, because as it is right now, I was just taken aback by Kris' weird categorizations of black and white and there was no message at the end of the story that warranted these kinds of details. Apologies for the brutal critique.

Response to Preston

"Awkward" was a story about a kid named Mitch who has fallen for his best friend Loki's (Jamie) twin sister, Annalise. He prepares all day, anxious to tell Loki about this transgression, and is finally confronted by Loki himself.
This story does a good job revealing the protagonist's anxienty thoughout the tale. It also lives up to it's title in that it also makes us feel awkward for Mitch when he is put in this awkward situation. Also, the title Awkward possibly hints at a subversive theme of homoerotic tension throughout the story. There are some very awkward scenes between Mitch and Loki, especially in the locker room.
Unfortunately, it also lives up to it's title in other ways.  Characterizations is all over the place. For instance, Jamie "Loki" Turlance. He dresses like "Poison" and he is cruel and nice and understanding and misguiding. I understand the intent is to personify the Norse god, but he just comes off as a chotch. I did like how he was able to misdirect conversation with meaningless banter, that was nice, but the banter needs to be better and more intelligent. Not just: "Your gay, bro?" "I'm not gay, bro. You're gay."
And then Mitch is just a pervert. Who steals a girls bra as a keepsake? If Annalise knew that, she'd probably never touch the kid, and with the unpredicatability of Loki, she'll probably find out at some point.
And then the gym teacher is a pervert. I guess her fetish is highschool boys being intimate? Weird.
All of this perverse and homo-erotic stuff could work, it just has to have some sort of precident. It has to mean something. As it is, it just makes the writing hard to follow and awkward to read.
Also, I absolutely did not get the ending. Why would he put habenero sauce in his undies if he had just been a good friend and granted his blessing for Mitch to date his sister?
There needs to be more plot. If you want all this weird stuff to work, maybe have Loki confess to Mitch that he likes him at the end, and have the creepy gym teacher be watching them kiss or something. I don't know. I feel awkward.

Response to The Langston Hughes Project the Twelve Moods of Jazz

This was by far the best poetry reading event I have ever been to. Admittedly, I haven't been to many, but The fact that I love jazz, Langston Hughes, and the Cosbys confirmed my attendance. It was pretty awesome. The band came out and played a little bit of jazz, something recognizeable, and then Doctor Ronald McCurdy, who gave most of the lecturing and some of the reading, began playing trumpet in the back of the audience and slowly made his way on stage. It really felt very interactive, the Doctor asked everyone at the beginning to act as if we were at a Southern Baptist service, and for the most part, people did. The music was custom fit to Hughe's poetry. In the Q&A the Doctor said took cues written in the margins of Hughe's work, sometimes referring to particular songs that Hughes' had in mind during the writing of his poetry, sometimes with just a reference to a musical mood or a particular sound (a fast paced, high-hat driven tune). I loved it, particularly Malcomb Jamal Warner's rendition of Hughes poetry in conjunction with the music of the Ron McCurdey Quintet. I feel like they probably captured what Hughes was probably going for, the sultry sound of Jazz in conjunction with his rhythmic prose. There was a (I believe Russian) woman who filled in for their normal pianist, and she was absolutely amazing. I've never seen anyone switch in between keys and rhythms so naturally.
My favorite aspect of this event was the comedy. I found myself laughing a lot throughout the performance, and it was almost always because of the delivery of a Hughes line by Malcolm Jamal Warner. "Ask your mama" became a punchline to any joke or situation that could be construed as racist or belittling or ignorant.
I actually liked it so much I almost considered going out to Tuskegee to see them the next day. A lot of fun, and very interesting. It was not at all what I expected. Jazz and Poetry have been done before, and so many times, but this stood out and was unique. Good stuff.

Response to Josh Moore

Manhood is a story about a guy named Alex who, as we are introduced to him, is about to undergo surgery. We are not informed until later that it was to remove cancerous tumors. Alex has some weird issue with the nurses all being female. Alex's girlfriend ends up turning cold to him and leaving because of his struggle with cancer. He beats the cancer, but loses his potential wife.
I liked parts of this story. I especially liked the descriptions of the hospital, the atmosphere he feels where everyone is glancing at him as he goes by, and the alternating green tiles that make the hall seem longer than it should. I wish there was more of this, it grants us a good view of Alex's mentality as he is being carted to surgery, and it would serve well to show us how he is feeling at other times during the story.
I was convinced by the title for a while that his cancer was testicular and he was going to have his testes removed. That would also more thoroughly explain his girlfriends bitchiness. Just a thought.
I think the transitions with both of the stories for today were done very well. The changes in scene weren't too abrupt, and were well timed I thought.
One thing I do wish was that the drama between Alex and his girlfriend had been explored a little more. All you see is them happy and then them in a bad place, without a real explanation. Perhaps a little more. One way I feel you could help with that issue is to make this story a first person one from Alex's perspective. He could then explain how things have been with his wife without having to backtrack and show what has happened.
Another thing I liked about both of these stories today was their interesting endings. He beats cancer but loses the girl. She decides to go to rehab, but her room mate tried to kill her. Good stuff

Response to Rachel Davis

Icarus was story about a college student named Clara. Overworked and stressed, she has turned to alcohol. We find her in the ICU, hip shattered, kidney removed. She has "fallen" off of her balcony after a night of heavy drinking. Her family attempts to have a little intervention in the hospital.
I found this story pleasant to read. The way we are introduced to Clara's situation is done very well, kind of the fuzzy wake up scene that we are all used to seeing in movies. I like how Clara doesn't really know what is going on. The way in which the story has little chapters has been executed so well. There aren't breaks to indicate a change of scene, but the change of voice and the immediate descriptions of an alternate set do this for us. It works very well in this story. Where this could be one long story separated by the incident, it brings the incident of her fall to the focal point and really keeps the reader interested. I wanted to know what would happen when I got to the next apartment scene and when I got to the fall itself.
I liked a lot of the characterization of Clara, the too-short denim shorts and her cellulite, her choice to drink wine, her prescription for prozac and her known capacity to stretch herself too thin.
My only complaint about this story would have to be the dialogue. Some of it is good, especially the stuff at the beginning, but the apartment scenes are a little trite, and the intervention is a little hard to read.
Also, I wish the room mate had been a little more disgruntled, maybe Clara could treat her even shittier or something.
Overall a good story. I would work on developing characters a little more, and touch up some dialogue. Again, the execution of hopping between story and back story was very well done.

Taurus

The piece is called Taurus. It is a ceramic design by Arthur Machin which he formed in 1945. The prestigious company Wedgewood began production of the piece in 1950. There are several variations.
I actually didn't go to the art museum in Auburn, but I did go to the one in Birmingham. That's where I took this picture.

       The bull lowered its formidable head and steamed towards me with ungodly inertia. In this moment time had slowed, and I could pick out each individual ripple of muscle as the beast accordion-lunged towards me with great strides. I could see that just beyond the horns there were thick ridges of skin and muscle that I imagined to be an immense spring, and as soon as those horns made contact, all of that potential energy coiled up in the beast’s neck was going to flip me like a spring loaded spatula. But still, there was something beautiful about this terrifying scene. Until this very moment I had never considered the beauty inherent to the motions of a creature this large. Every motion coordinated by the expansion and contraction of various lumps of meat of various sizes pulling on a gigantic skeleton of condensed minerals. Once, I read that if all the muscles in the human body could pull at once, in one direction, it could exert a force of 25 tons. I couldn’t help but imagine that a bull could probably exert a hundred times that energy, and all of that energy was aimed at me.

       Time was beginning to catch up with me, and my options were becoming fewer by the millisecond. As the bull lowered its head for one last giant lunge, I decided I would spring towards him at a diagonal. This would both shorten the time he would have to react by narrowing the distance between us and also grant me an avenue of escape. A large bull, no matter how graceful in motion, cannot turn on a dime. I lunged forward and to the left, and the bull, glancing my maneuver out of his bulging eyes, countered, flicking his head to the right as he drove past me. His right horn caught my unbuttoned oxford and tore the double stitching like tissue paper, throwing me into a spin and onto the ground. I really would have appreciated some help right now. Just a simple distraction would suffice, but the man who had orchestrated my being in this pen was staring on in silence.

       I scrambled to my feet as quickly as legs allow, and removed my torn button-up. A happy accident, a moment of genius, call it what you will. I now had a cape. The bull rounded off its charge and turned to face me again, its head nodding an angry rhythm. It was obvious that my trickery had enraged him. Opponents were supposed to meet his charge, not skirt them. He understood my common sense as cowardice. He charged with doubled fury, bucking as he came. Time didn’t slow down this time, and as he neared, I stepped aside and let his horns fill the sleeves and rip the shirt from my hands. The great bull gave one last buck and then immediately calmed. He had been effectively blindfolded, the shirt draping down over his eyes and onto his muzzle. He stood still as he let this new dark reality sink in.

       “That was quite a performance, boy,” the man said. He spryly hopped into the pen, and walked towards the bull.

       “I won didn’t I? Give it to me.”

       “Boy, I ain’t never seen anything quite like that. You’ve got it.” He placed his hand on the bull’s muzzle. It snorted and its tail flicked nervously.

       “I want you to say it.”

       “Allright now, boy. You can marry my daughter.”

       “And don’t you ever call me ‘boy’ again.”

Response to Kevin

Unfriendly Noise is a story about a guy named Brandon who is down on his luck and jobless in a city he hates. His apartment is surrounded by a terrible noise that reverberates in his head. Other city-dwellers likewise are shrill and annoying. Brandon is on the hunt for a job after his landlord threatens to evict him.
I feel like the story could have been more aptly opened with a description of Brandon's apartment or something. the immediate jump into his complaining about the over-hyped city life is something I've heard and read and written before. It didn't grab my attention, and I think this is because the first thing you hear in the story is an incredibly annoying noise, and that sets the tone for the rest of the story. He goes on to interact with shrill, screetchy people in the city, and it gets frustrating.
I liked the description of the bad area of town he ends up in, but I could use some more particulars.
The same goes for John's description. He could be a much more interesting character if you used more imagery to describe him and maybe described his dimensions instead of just calling him a giant.

There were an inordinant amount of filler words. Words like "actually" and "kind of" and "really" used as describers don't contribute anything besides a sense of hesitancy and lead to a voice that doesn't seem confident. I found eight instances of this on page 8, for example. Either better words need to be used, or these can be ommited.

I liked the arc of the story, and I like how Brandon found solace in the end, but its hard to tell what it means. I wish he had managed to stay with John. Maybe John could find solace in Brandon instead of the Tomagachi, and thats how the noise problem can be solved, by John not needing it anymore.

There were also a few things that didn't make much sense. John's Tomagachi is making noise outside Brandon's apartment at the beginning of the story, and then it's miles away just minutes later. Brandon goes to get a job to pay rent he has due that very day (not gonna work). The landlady serves his eviction notice, but still gives him a chance to pay rent (that chance is long gone).

I enjoyed reading this once he got into the bad part of town. Maybe condense the first couple pages and start with a taxi getting a flat tire in this area of town? Your voice gets better at this point in the story.

Response to Otto

This is a story of lost innocence. The speaker is a twelve year-old kid who remains nameless throughout the tale. There is tension with his mom and curfew, because she wants him home on time, and the story takes place as they're traveling to the swimming hole at sunset. There's also the issue with Daryl. I like how Daryl is introduced via the Blue Hole, with a flashback to how horrible he is in school, but the flashback and subsequent return to the main plot were a little disorienting, there little continuity or smooth transitioning between them. If we were oriented a little better between scenes, this method of Daryls introduction could be perfect.

I thought there were a lot of funny bits. Talking about Cody riding his bike around the living room, the descriptions of how scared kids are of Daryl, etc. I also liked Cody as the gentle giant, "Boo Radley" type character.
For the most part, the dialogue was very good, and the "... and shit" was funny, and a useful tag line. It could have been introduced a little more gracefully. It's first introduction was quite akward. Maybe explain his cursing problem immediately after the first one instead of waiting to addreess it in dialogue.
I liked the description of scene, I just wish there was more of it. You're description of the Blue Hole was great.
There was an overuse of -- and ... but I think that was probably influenced by the 1-900 story? Regardless, some of these need to be cut out.

The only real problem I had with this story was with transitions, and climactic situations. Your different settings need to be weaved together a little more, each change in setting is a little jarring. And your situations build to a head and then fizzle a bit. I wanted more description about the speaker's fight, and more description of his run home and the aftermath, and more description about the unveiling of Cody's legs. Also an explication of who did it to him, etc.
Otherwise, I really liked the voice, and I liked the overall arc of the story.